MEDITATIONS AND VISIONS

December 9, 2005

My day yesterday went from feeling low to feeling sick, and ending up in bed, where I still am today, very weak and unwell in my body.

As I lay in bed, with a lot of tears coming up, I wondered what I could imagine this process for me to be. I moved my awareness into my body, into meditation.

I felt a bit like Dracula, lying in his coffin at night, unable to move, shut away against the light. My eyes get very light sensitive when I'm sick, even a lamp can be too much.

As I lay there I felt my spirit was 'elsewhere', and I remembered a psychic reading I had from someone a few years ago. She said that I was a messenger for two worlds, and that I took information from this world to the other, and vice versa.

I imagined that when I'm so sick and weak like this, I'm actually travelling to the other side, bringing information from here, or perhaps getting some to bring back. And that when I'm 'over there', my spirit has to leave my body, so the body truly has not much strength and needs to lie quietly until "I" come back.

I feel like crying as I write this. It's a nice vision, but even if it's true, I'm not sure it makes me feel any better about the situation.

It's not very comfortable in this body sometimes. Actually when I'm sick it's not too bad, so long as I stay in bed and keep warm. It feels nice. But my hormones sometimes seem to get affected too, and I feel quite depressed and sorry for myself.

And if I just stay still, and climb into this body as far as I can, giving it what consciousness I have, then I'm at peace.

I drew a Tarot card late last night.

8 of disks, Prudence - concerning the delicate process of internal flowering.
The suggestion from the little book I use was: to meditate on the Zen phrase,

"Sitting silently, doing nothing, the Spring comes and the grass grows by itself".