January 20, 2004 - Lich, Germany

I've been on the road for nearly two years now.

Since last November I have been feeling very shaky. The homelessness, my unsureness of what is next for me, wanting to know, wanting my 'basket' to wake up in every morning to be beautiful and quiet and the same basket as the night before.

I've been very much in the not being okay with what is place.

And in a way I feel a shift, as if I not only do not have control, but I know that I don't have control anymore. I can't see what is next. The not knowing is not a theory.

I feel as if I have lost everything. What is 'everything' ? - It's not my body, it's not my relationship, it's not my health, it's not a roof over my head or food to eat.
Perhaps I've lost the part of me that functioned so well in the past... the part that fooled me into thinking I had it all together.

And mostly, I feel I'm getting the biggest message of all: it's time to take care of myself. I see that I've pretended I knew what this meant, because to really take care of myself means allowing for something that might mean things I'm afraid of - being alone, not doing the things that make me feel valuable or loveable... It means letting go of looking outside of myself for affirmation, or a truth or a way to be...

I sense it means to jump off the edge into myself.. and to risk meeting nothing.

And in the midst of all this very personal, *I* centered stuff I get information that feels more general too.

I have such a strong sense of the transition so many of us are in. That we are still on 'this' side of the bridge, unable to see anything at all of what is on the other side. And what is on the other side is changing all the time anyway, as it is on this side.

That whatever is going on for anyone of us is absolutely part of something much bigger, no matter how uncomfortable (or comfortable!) it is. No matter how conscious or unconscious it might seem.

A dear friend said to me: "..there is no bridge. There is no way we have to take to cross something, an area, a time, to reach another side. It's all already here where we are."

I feel the truth of his words and I do have a sense there is something to cross, perhaps not from here to there in a linear sense. Rather, the crossing is about a deep change inside - a meeting of the Self with the Now - an unguarded engagement with what is being experienced - no escape, no way to divert or put aside what is anymore.

A complete letting go of all control.

so...
it's time. Now.

I'm also getting that what is available to me, to us, is to tune into every part of what we experience, to share as much as possible, to feel every little nuance of feeling, no matter how off or unloving or unclear it seems. I get that communicating is so hugely important... somehow the finer tuned and deeper this becomes verbally, the more possible for us to really be together, to live and support and be in community and love.

I've really noticed that the less I really share what is going on for me, the less I take care of myself and let myself express the vulnerability and unsureness I feel, the less I'm able to take care of anyone else.