I want my boyfriend to be different
Dear Sandra,
I feel drained after spending time with my boyfriend and it takes me time to get back into my life
(we don't live together).
I want him to be more open; to take more risks and step into more commitment and he isn't ready,
willing or able - there is lots of fear there. He says he is here with me. For me it's not enough.
He with holds a lot verbally and emotionally. I'm not sure I have the patience anymore.
He is very preoccupied with fixing himself and I get into that with him too and there is not a lot
of gratification for me. I feel sad and like I've wasted a lot of time.
I'd be grateful for any suggestions!
L.
Dear L,
What you write I could have written myself a few years ago regarding my ex-husband. I felt I was
doing the 'running' all the time - reaching out, sensing what was going on for him, suggesting
possibilities, wanting him to be more committed, more open... essentially I wanted him to 'be
different'.
All of this energy focused on him meant I was not taking care of myself. My husband felt controlled
and I felt let down. This relationship ended - with a lot of pain for both of us.
The 'wanting him to be different' impulse started again in my next relationship. I didn't want to
go through the suffering I went through with my husband, and I knew I wasn't off to a good start.
Someone suggested I do Byron Katie's Work
(http://www.thework.com)
- and it was a huge turning point in not only my relationship, but also my life.
The process really helped me to extricate myself from looking outside of myself for answers. From
what you write it feels to me that a lot of energy is going out to how he is or is not, it's as if
you have put out those energy strands, and are hooked into him, so much so it is hard to see clearly
what is going on for you, or indeed what it is that you really want. It's actually a way of avoiding
what is really going on for you, a way of avoiding taking responsibility for your feelings.
Your pain about the relationship is yours, and probably has little to do with him. He may not be
the person you want to be in relationship with, and once you disentangle what are
your issues, then you will be able to find out.
The less you try to 'fix' him, the freer and more able you are to really be with him, to discover
who he is, and more importantly the less you are focused on him, the more you will be able to find
out what is going on for you. You may be using him as a reason for your unhappiness, when in fact
the reason may have to do with how you are with yourself.
You say you are feeling like you have wasted a lot of time - this indicates that you expect an
outcome from your being with him.
This has been a real trap for me too - and what is now so clear to me, is that if I expect an
outcome (from anything) the more pain I am in, the less likely the outcome will actually happen.
It is a constant process of letting go. The expectations come up all the time - about my life, work,
everything. But the visceral feeling of tightness I have in my body when this holding onto outcome
happens is so very uncomfortable I'm immediately reminded to let go. I feel instantly better. It
may come up again, and I let go again.
Over time, I've found that my life is softer, easier and more fun. I have fewer experiences of this
tightening up in the body. I'm more delighted with what is present in my life, rather than living in
a state of hope and expectation.
So, how do you 'let go'?
I believe that if you bring your attention to where you have expectations, just a gentle attention,
and if you become aware of the energy you are focusing on him and the relationship, things will
start to shift. Just notice; don't try to fix anything. This will only be a repeat of the 'wanting
to fix him' behavior.
If there is something you want from him, take a look at how this might reflect what you are not
giving to yourself.
Sandra
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He keeps telling me he will change; I feel good when I'm on my own, drained when I've been with him; I'm still with him because I'm learning something
Dear Sandra,
A lot of this I know and it seems to be a process of detaching from the hooks. The entanglements I
get into within myself with this relationship keep me attached to him. You are right in that when I
get disentangled I can see clearer whether I want to be with him or not.
When I am with myself my business life unfolds, especially because of the spiritual connection I
have within myself. I get feeling so great and of course he picks up on that and wants to connect
with me. I want to share all the love I feel and so I agree to see him.
Then within that process he sucks me dry or I let myself get drained by him in playing the
healer/teacher/therapist or just plain loving him. He usually feels great when he leaves,
satisfied and I feel wiped out. I have given my power away. I'm literally very tired and have
low self-esteem. After a whole day of nowhere land I come back into myself through my
reconnection with my spirit and healing and life moves again and then he picks up on it and calls.
And so it goes on!
He finds ways to control me by focusing on my weak spots so I get emotional and then bam... I lose it.
I see the co-dependant/addictive caregiver stuff.
For me to close down hurts me and I love giving but I feel I have to be with someone else who also
gives back and then it'll work.
B. really isn't all that conscious of what he is doing and it doesn't help for me to point it out. I
know I can only focus on myself.
I see that I am not accepting of how he is. I see his potential and he shows up when I am about to
leave or have left and then he goes back into withdrawal and complacency.
He says he can change and has some compared to where he was and that is his dangling carrot for
me.
It's like I can get obsessed about him if I'm feeling something is wrong with me and then I
misdirect it and it comes out as blame on him and on me.
My intuition has told me to get out but I haven't been able to because I know I am learning
something here very valuable for my growth and because the energy is still there.
It's been 5 years since I actually I've lived with someone and it just feels like something I'd
enjoy again. I can also sense it coming.
L.
Dear L.
B. might tell you that he will change, but this isn't for you believe, or not believe. If you do you
are not being present. What is happening now? The future, the past is irrelevant. Only the present
matters. By believing what he says, you are entering nicely into a contract that says "we will keep
each other happy with promises". Is that the kind of connection you want? One based on promises?
You talk about B. controlling you by focusing on your weak spots. He isn't doing this to you. Not
that he isn't doing anything, but the response/reaction/feeling in you are yours. In other words,
it is what you do in response to his behaviour that is the cause of you feeling controlled.
I remember telling myself so often that I 'wasn't finished' with my ex husband, that I had more to
learn. Maybe, maybe not. I am not sure you can tell if you have something valuable for your growth,
or even that this is the question to ask.
Again - what is happening now? Are you growing now? Do hope you will stick it out for a while and
then look back and say, look how much I learned/grew? You might, but you can't tell this from where
you are standing right now. I wouldn't even pay attention to this thought.
You may live with someone again, but don't focus on it. Don't place conditions on your happiness.
And, remember what I said before - if there is something you want from him, take a look at how this
might reflect what you are not giving to yourself.
Sandra
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The process of taking responsibility; do relationships have to be so difficult?
Dear Sandra,
I see that in owning that I am projecting what I am receiving from him (or anyone), that I am
totally responsible for my perceptions and reactions whether or not I agree or not. In this way I
take control of my life.
I have been so caught with this little idea in the back of my mind about the ideal man, and then
feeling that since I don't have it I still need fixing.
My preference is certainly to be with someone who walks his path with awareness but in the meantime
there's lots of opportunity right now with whomever I'm with.
I see the thoughts underlying the feeling that he controls me by focusing on my weak spots is that
he is out to get me or something like that... when really probably it's just his own fear and
vulnerability - but even that doesn't matter.
Part of me was feeling bad for not being able to let him go. I feel humiliated and weak, concerned
what others would think.
Don't place conditions on my happiness - that's a great statement. I've done plenty of that.
I get that what you are saying is that being in relationship is basically a process of taking
100% responsibility for my happiness; and that I can use how I am with him as an indication of what
I want for myself, as an indication of what I'm doing to myself.
So everything I judge him for I'm judging myself for. I can stop trying to get him to do anything
different or help him - just keep looking at myself.
In that case I wouldn't be with him cause he doesn't do much on his own.
Do relationships have to be this difficult? I have heard if they are this much struggle it isn't
right, and I don't know anymore.
L.
Dear L,
"In that case I wouldn't be with him cause he doesn't do much on his own."
Well, you don't know that. Taking care of yourself and taking full responsibility will affect how
you experience being with him - it will effect how you experience him.
Relationships don't have to be difficult. It isn't the relationship that is difficult. What feels
difficult is when he isn't being the way you want him to be. What feels difficult is when your
experience doesn't fit into your idea of what the experience 'should' be like.
Taking responsibility for yourself can feel difficult, because it means letting go of this idea.
It means letting go of holding on to all your ideas of what he should be or should not be. You
actually do not have control over him or over how your life 'should' be, and the instant you give
up' your illusion of being in control, your life will become more fun, and much less difficult, I
promise!
The relationship is not difficult because it actually does not have a life of its own - it simply
is a manifestation of how you are with yourself.
I wonder if you can let in the possibility of seeing everything with fresh eyes - sweeping the
slate clean, as it were, of all your ideas about how you are (lonely, angry, frustrated) and how
relationships should be (totally loving, spiritual), all your ideas about how your partner should
be, and if you can touch a place underneath all those feelings - an easy place, a place of being
truly okay with whatever is going on. I prefer the phrase 'being okay' to 'accepting'. Accepting
has connotations of being resigned to something, a kind of acquiescence, whereas to be 'okay' with
something has a certain lightness.
And also, to take it on as a possibility that you don't want to take responsibility for your
relationship, because if you do you will have no one to 'blame' for what is going wrong. Not
taking responsibility allows you to hold onto the idea that you are a victim.
Sandra
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I have so much love to give, but it feels like I'm pouring it into a black hole
Dear Sandra,
This morning the thought came that the truth isn't painful - it's the resistance to truth that is
painful. In some of my recent interactions with B., I've watched myself as some part of me felt
him getting clear and strong and from that place I think he might chose not to be with me. I felt
a little panic and then realized - well then that would be clear and I would be free of him.
And I feel I have so much love to give, just generally, but with B. it feels like I'm pouring it
into a black hole. And when I feel drained I don't feel loving anymore. So there a place where I
am needing to take responsibility for what I do with this love. I'm not clear yet on this.
L.
Dear L,
Love needs no object. If it does, it is not love. Love does not need to have anything done with it.
It just is.
I suspect that most of the love we think we feel for others is actually about ourselves: the love
we want for ourselves, our feeling relieved that we feel 'safe' with another; understood by
another; and also it's about the desire to make the other person feel good so they will do what
we want. If you actually just stay with this feeling you call love, and do nothing with it, there
is a possibility for clarity, for owning what is yours, and if it is love, it will still be there.
Then you are able to really see others, and truly love them, if you will.
And, I sense from you this great desire to understand what is going on. You don't have to understand
what is going on, only to respond to what is going on.
Sandra
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I'm slipping back into old patterns again
Dear Sandra,
Not long after your email I had an experience in which I really understood what it means to simply
respond. I awoke at 1:00 am until 6am, wide-awake I thought I'd read, then took a bath, then
meditated and went back to bed.
All that was going on was my looking at the impermanence of all things and all that was permanent
was me watching this. It was like I was here and not here. Nothing mattered because it was all
passing.
I saw emotions coming and going from quite a distance, I even considered where I was at and why...
and I didn't care to go there. This was just it. I'd call it a 'direct experience' - which lasted
for a very long time.
I wasn't attached to this place but it seemed to just be there this observing part of me was very
much in the foreground and all the rest in the background. I wondered if I was displaced somehow
from my body, but it didn't matter.
It was from this place that I understood what it means to respond - because that is all there really
is to do. There is nothing to grab onto or push away, the mind has no need to control because
nothing needs to be changed or corrected or fixed. It all is as it is and somehow I'm a part of it
- not better or worse, just a part of this experience.
I didn't see B. for a while, and then he called me and wanted to stay over. I didn't have him stay
with me because I wanted to remain focused on a meeting I was preparing for and I wanted to start
taking care of myself, as I hadn't been doing this because my work pace was so intense.
B. tells me he is opening more in his spiritual practices. I don't feel he is more open with me,
this in fact seems to have him become more distant, another layer of insulation. The only way I
know if someone's spiritual practice is working is if it is applied in relationship and life.
I feel ripped apart in my heart and get overwhelmed by our interaction. I haven't wanted to end it
because its such an emotional pull and the missing of him starts to happen in my heart and this
seems to dominate my thoughts again and disrupt my life. It's more like I'm missing the potential
than I'm upset with what actually was occurring.
Am I stuck again here... did I slip back into focusing on him. I don't want to.
I'm just feeling stuck right now, a bit depressed, my heart feels a bit contracted when I turn
from him. This is where I go into doubt about whether it's me or not. Certainly when I'm clear
and open he is more responsive but it always reaches a place where he goes into fear and just
shuts down.
I see I could say that is me shutting down... but where is it him? And me deciding not to play in
this game with him anymore? I find if I take it all on as me then how could I leave or end it?
This is what happens and so it hasn't ended for long and so it never grows either.
He thinks it is me that isn't open to him, and I have not been as of late. I want to tell him what
I see but I am not wanting to fix him anymore so I need to just let him think its me that is closed
and live with that and get on with my life.
I feel like I've slipped back into old patterns.
L.
Dear L,
The patterns do keep coming up. Over time, as you keep gently bringing your attention to the
patterns, how you are when they come up softens, becomes easier and your experience is more fun.
The patterns seem to dissolve in this loving presence with yourself.
You do see what is going on, but I feel a fragility in you, a possibility of getting caught up,
hooked in again. There is nothing to do, nothing to fix, only to keep noticing, and to keep sharing,
to keep opening up to your vulnerability.
As you say, there is still this focus on B. Here is an experiment, to take a look at what you have
said to me about B, and very specifically re-write it as if it is about yourself:
I'm saying I am opening more in my spiritual practices. And yet I don't feel I am more open with
myself, this fact seems to have me become more distant, with another layer of insulation. The
only way I know if my spiritual practice is working is if it is applied in relationship and life.
I do sense an insulation around you, as if you do not wish to really own that you are responsible
for your relationship. I also hear a judgement about what a spiritual practice should be - that you
are very hard on yourself, enforcing a very high ideal in terms of 'spirituality'.
You say: "But where is it him... and me deciding not to play in this game with him anymore? I find
if I take it all on as me then how could I leave or end it? This is what happens and so it hasn't
ended for long and so it never grows either."
This feels like a tortuous mind knot, one designed to give up responsibility. What you are saying
here, is he must be responsible for something, I must be able to blame him for some of it... Well,
he may or may not be responsible for his part of the relationship, but it doesn't make any
difference. You cannot control what he is or is not. You can only make choices for yourself. And
you can allow yourself to make mistakes. Actually I do not think there is such a thing as a mistake,
only openings to new opportunities.
It feels like you want an excuse not to make any choices, because if you make a choice then you
could be blamed for doing the 'wrong' thing. There is no wrong thing.
What B. does/feels/says/thinks is none of your business. If you have a reaction to it, then that
is your business.
It seems as if you feel you only have a choice between being alone and not thinking about him at
all, and thinking about him a LOT and wanting to be with him.
Again, the focus here is on B. It is as if you have left yourself out of the equation.
This either / or place tends will dissolve when you take a little time to be really 'with' yourself,
in a gentle way rather than a closed-off protective place. The pain and struggle you feel is your
Self saying "I need the attention, not B".
And if the choice of whether to be with him or not still comes up, take a look at that.
You are straddling both options, and in this halfway place you are in hell. I don't think it
actually matters what you choose, or even that these are your only choices, but perhaps take it
as a possibility that you can make a choice. If it is to be with him, then really be with him. If
not, then really don't be with him.
And, don't place more pressure on yourself. You don't have to 'do' anything, only perhaps, be
gentle with yourself.
Sandra
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When am I contributing to co-dependent behavior and when am I just being open and understanding?
Dear Sandra,
Yes there is something to this being gentle with myself, slowing down... and opening up... allowing
even my contractions to take me into expansion.
I'm now much more at peace with this. Much more alive with the reality of recognizing there is
nothing to hold onto (back around to this again).
Everything I am seeing with B., every time I want something from him or judge him, I look into myself
and acknowledge where that is true about me. This allows me to be more open to him and stay open
within myself. I see how blame has been used and is so non-functional. He seems to be different
when I'm accepting with him. Perhaps I haven't really been open enough to him to see what he really
is about.
I can't seem to leave him, although I have tried. There is part of me attached to him and I am
feeling that is okay, humanly okay, I don't have to transcend everything or get it right.
And, it seems very confusing to me at times whether I'm contributing to co-dependant behaviour or
just being open and understanding. I recognize old patterns of relating starting to drop away, and
yet part of the distrust is still there. That seems to be connected to the past... but am I just
naive or living in the present? I guess only exploring in these realms will give me the answers.
The part of me that wants to 'know' wants to also avoid pain. When I allow myself to not know I
feel alive again, scared, excited. That's where I want to be.
L.
Dear L,
The issue of whether you are contributing to co-dependant behaviour or just being open and
understanding - the question to ask yourself here - in the moment - is do you have a stake in
being open and understanding? Are you doing this for something - to protect yourself, make yourself
loveable, to protect or 'save' him, to make him 'feel' better? If you have no need for outcome,
then it is not co-dependent, if you do, then it is.
And to just be aware of what is going on, whether it is co-dependent or not. There is nothing to
fix - there is nothing 'wrong' with how you are with him, however that is. The more you become aware,
the more the behaviours which are not supporting you drop away, simply and of their own accord, in
their own time.
Sandra
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