Dear Sandra,

I heard a quote of Michael Barnett saying that teachers (spiritual teachers) have to upset their disciples. No exemption! And if they don't do it is only because the disciple is not ready. If we are treated well, we think everything is ok, but the opposite is true, he says. He also says, that the teacher has to break the disciple's heart, because what we call the heart is only a prettier word for the ego, and only when it breaks, we see that it is false.

This really shook me up and is still affecting me.

Michael Barnett also says that we want to be upset. He says that deep inside we know that the ego only disappears when we don't get what we want. If the ego is dried out, the real being remains, the Buddha inside or the inner master. And this inner core wants the ego to be upset, so that the ego and the conditioning disappear and the Buddha can take over.

I felt insecure, when I heard him say that, because we all want to be treated so nicely, with respect and "love". And this is what teachers are doing - mostly, aren't they? Does this mean they are treating us kindly because we are not ready for the real teaching? If we were, would teachers rather "jump on us" and upset us than give us smiles and hugs?

I've heard that many teachers go through trials and difficulty and pain.

Do we have to go through many years of painful, awful, frightening work and not what we call love and attention and success and getting better?

I'd be happy for your support to unriddle this question.

J.R.

Dear J.R.,

You want to be treated with respect and love. It is what we all want.

And, what is 'love'?

If someone sees something about me that they decide not to tell me because it would 'hurt my feelings', is that love?

I would much rather be treated with honesty. To me, love and respect means being direct. And, we all programmed to interpret certain actions, certain words as being 'loving', or more specifically, as being safe. For some people staying in a dysfunctional relationship feels safe because it is familiar.

If I think words 'nicely put' mean there is love behind the words, then that will be my experience, even if there is no love behind the words.

Sometimes when I feel vulnerable I ask for a hug. There are certain 'kinds' of hugs that I don't respond to. I ask for a different hug, one that I feel more 'hugged' by. Am I being loved more with one hug than the other?

You are speaking about spiritual teachers specifically, and yet what is underneath your words is about your own experience of what love is or is not.

My experience of true spiritual teachers is that they do not give me attention and hugs and smiles, not unless it is a genuine response to my being. They are simply not interested in my behaviours or neurotic tendencies, and never support these with false sympathy or sentimental affection.

I have been 'bumped' by some of the guides and teachers I've been with. One part of me felt 'hurt' -the ego-identified part, and at the same time I was aware that what happened was most loving, even although it wasn't comfortable in the moment. There is a possibility for remarkable shifts in these moments -if you do not focus and get attached to the 'hurt' part of yourself. By staying open and aware, saying "yes" to the experience, noticing what is happening in the body and not trying to understand what is happening, the ego softens, becomes more flexible and your connection to the inner self deepens. The outcome can be very healing, both physical and emotional.

I'm not sure we really want to be loved, mostly we want to feel good, and we think that someone loves us if we feel good because of how they treat us.

True teachers, whether they come in the guise of the person who takes your garbage away, or a teacher of Yoga or a self-proclaimed enlightened being, are not here to make us feel good. They are here to inspire experience with your inner self -and the pleasure of this journey is directly connected to how often you say Yes to what is happening in the moment.