Patterns of feeling unworthy in relationship

Dear Sandra,

I'm trying to find out how to change the patterns I have in my relationships.

I have just broken up with my girlfriend and I have old voices of unworthiness and non-deserving that pop up and send me in an aching spin. My girlfriend said she was not "in love" with me, so she ended the relationship as it was. As to how it will form as 'friends' I don't know right now. She says she's available but I feel my pain, so have not connected with her for a few days.

I see how my pattern is to feel I do not deserve or believe that I can be with a partner... I think that it cannot and will not happen. So I keep attracting people that ultimately leave the relationship one way or another. I'd like to feel I do deserve and that possibilities are unlimited, that I can be with the partner I want to be with, that I/we can feel free and we 'dance' with each other, that another would also like to share this experience with me... no compromises.

J.

Dear J.,

The gift of relating with another is that it powerfully shows us how we are relating to ourselves. From your words I feel your pain at your loss, your desire to be with another. The loss is not your girlfriend, but the loss of yourself.

So, it is not about the other, but we think it is. This is our programming, our conditioning. The patterns you speak of are rooted in this programming. I want to feel good. This person will make me feel good. This is how we function, this is what drives most of us towards relationship. If we continue to behave in this way we will ultimately be in pain. The other is not the solution. They never were. Relationships show us our duality. We think this duality is real. That we are singular, and that the other is another. If you take it as a possibility that other is, in fact, you, and how you are with that other is how you are with yourself, then the patterns of unworthiness will diminish. If want something from another, it is not that they are not giving it to you, but that you are not giving this something to yourself. Looking outside for healing, for love, is like watching television to experience life.

Here is a suggestion: if, every time you have a wish about your lover - for example, "I wish she were still with me," " I wish she were in love with me" - if every time your wish involves something outside of yourself you take it as a practice to rephrase the wish, putting yourself as the object of your desire, your life will begin to shift.

So, you take a look at your thoughts, and repeat them back to yourself: "I wish I were still with myself," " I wish I were in love with myself." Doing this has the effect of pulling your attention to where it is supposed to be, here, now; and on what is happening for you, your body, and your feelings. In time you will see how much you give up responsibility to others for your happiness. We know this - that this is what we do - but to 'stop' is not so easy. Simple, but not easy. The mind can figure out what is going on, but that doesn't do much at all to shift things. I see this shift of focus as a kind of 'practice', like meditation. If you have never meditated, you can't read about the effects of meditation and expect to just get these effects by 'knowing' what they are. You have to do the meditation. Every day.

And the very fact of taking the time to do this practice, the very fact of bringing your attention to yourself, the very fact of making it your priority to take responsibility is also what supports the shift, the letting go of old patterns, and the opening out into a state of peace inside. You send a message to yourself that you are worthy of this attention, worthy of care.

Sandra

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What does being 'in love' mean?

Dear Sandra,

I'd also like to know what being 'in love' means to you.

I have my own 'definitions' and have been asking people about it. I see that there are people out there that are happy with each other and that it can work.

J.

Dear J.,

It has been said that we do not love another, but we love the pleasure another gives us.

To be in love tends to mean a rush of chemicals which happens in the body when there is someone you connect with in a particular way. It could be that they smell right, look like your mom or your father or brother, or were a lover in a past life. Who knows. The rush of chemicals is the in love feeling, the pull to have sex (and procreate, really).

The chemicals usually stop after a while, and either the relating stops too or another kind of feeling grows. What is this feeling? Is it love? I call it care, and perhaps it is true love. It allows the other person to be absolutely who they are. It allows myself to be absolutely who I am. This keeps the relating alive, sexy.

Most people get addicted to the 'in love' chemicals, and think that when they stop the fun stops so they leave, and go looking for someone else to trigger those chemicals. This is also quite natural especially when one is young: we need to experiment, to taste lots of situations and relationships, otherwise we don't know what we like.

The total and absolute pleasure of deep relating, the intimacy and vulnerability and sharing that is possible in a relationship can only happen when your priority is yourself, your own growth, your own personal expansion. Not the 'relationship'. This is a bit tricky here, because the priority is not the relationship, but relating is a vehicle for expansion.

Relating means being willing to be uncomfortable, willing to deal with what comes up rather than go away immediately and say 'it's not fun anymore'. It doesn't mean being willing to suffer because things aren't working, but it does mean looking at what is not working, paying attention here and moving slowly, gently, and totally taking responsibility for the not working part. There is no room for blame in a conscious relationship. Blame of the other or blame of self: if you say, "it's my fault," this is victim behaviour.

If you are in a relationship, or in a breakup of a relationship and feel pain or angry or mad or let down, or unloved, these are your feelings. No one is causing them. By placing the attention on yourself as I suggested above, (and that is what we all want, attention), rather than blaming the other for your pain, you shift things. You cannot change how another feels about you. You can look at how you are feeling about yourself. How you feel about the other is exactly how you feel about yourself. What a beautiful support this is. We often don't know how we are with ourselves. If you want to know, take a look at how you are with another.

And then there is total acceptance, total withness. Of the other. Of yourself. This crucial, point of the relating is when you get to a place of totally accepting that the other/yourself may never change. Changing is not the issue. Being 'with' is. I can write this down and it may make sense to your head, but the acceptance has to be from the heart.

Of course all this applies to every part of life, your job, your health, your environment. any situation you are in that you are not happy with. Total acceptance. Taking total responsibility.

This is like opening a door, this acceptance, this responsibility. It frees the outer, frees the external, it frees the 'other' to support you in the way you truly need. And we don't know what that might be. We have to open the door.

Sandra

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What can I do when I'm in the midst of mental and emotional turmoil?

Hi Sandra,

I sometimes I feel very hopeless and helpless, like the old patterns of neediness and worthlessness I have will stay with me forever. And I try to keep bringing it back to me...not always easy. My mind reels with thoughts about my ex-girlfriend, how it was, when did it go 'wrong', when did it start shifting and me not wanting to see it, what is she doing without me, feeling excluded from her life now, what could I have done different, is she going to change her mind and come back, what's wrong with me, why me.... on and on and on.

And when I'm in this state, it's hell and when it's not, what a relief. When the emotions and mind are running, I can't even get a hold of it long enough to look at how I'm responsible. What can I do when in the midst of it? My mind knows it's MY feelings, but the emotions don't seem to want to agree at the time they are running crazy with 'blaming' and 'stuff'.

J.

Dear J.,

Shifting old patterns doesn't happen immediately. In fact when it happens you won't even notice it happening. You'll just go "oh, yeah, it's easier now. I wonder when that happened?" The patterns may still come up, but how you are with them shifts. This is what changes your actual experience. It's not that you stop having feelings of worthlessness coming up, but that you will be easier with yourself when they do, more with what is happening, less trying to make it different.

If you do the practice I suggested, the practice of changing the thoughts around so that whatever it is you want to change that is outside of yourself you put your own self in place of that thing, then something alchemical happens.

The mind has great power, and when combined with the needs of the emotional being, it can literally imprison your experience. This is the state you are talking about, the "when the stuff running." It feels like it is running you, right? And in a way it is. If you try and change that, if you want it to be different when you are in that state, it will only run faster and harder.

The turmoil of emotions usually arises when you have not been taking care of what is yours, on a moment by moment basis. If you put yourself aside, again and again, then at some point a great volcano of emotion happens, and this emotion is basically saying, "Please, please look at me!"

And it's really something when you are in the middle of the volcano, I know it's not fun.

There is a very subtle piece that keeps you in the emotional state. This piece is: You don't want to shift it.

If you are hurting, then you can blame someone. This is the victim pattern. The victim does not want to shift. The victim wants to feel pain; the victim wants someone else to make it better. In effect, you are a child when you are in that state. What do you do with a child who is terribly unhappy, who feels that everything is completely unfair? You stay by her, close by. You don't abandon her. You are there while it's happening, and you are there once it's over.

There is a beautiful quote I recently read, from Marcus Aurelius: "Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."

Don't, however, reject yourself.

When you are in an emotional state, there is nothing to do. It changes, it always does. But it's not there to be changed, not there to be judged. It's there to be with. The combination of not wanting it to change because you are in victim/child state, and wanting it to be different from the adult perspective sets up a negative parental cycle. Can you see how, in effect, you are the parent of the child, and as parent you are saying "Don't be miserable, stop it now"?

If you reject yourself, if you get angry with yourself for being in an emotional state, you only send a message to yourself that you are not okay. You are in another pattern - that of hating yourself that you're in the pattern. Be patient, be with yourself. Each time you move through, it is like a little piece of information going in, and the information says, "This doesn't last, this isn't forever, you know this because you have been here before," and then when you am there again it's just a little bit easier because your body - your actual cells - know that the other side is right there, that you're actually okay and the sun shines the next day. Each time you are with yourself in this state, the child inside gets taken care of, and begins to feel secure, loved, paid attention to.

In the meantime, here are some loving things to try when you are in the volcano, when the stuff is running:

Do a stretch, so some Yoga.

Go outside, walk in the park, or anywhere where there are trees and the sounds of birds.

Bring your attention to what your body is doing. Your heart, your breath, the feeling in your throat, stomach. Don't change it, just notice.

If, when you are feeling 'alright' you pay attention to how you look outside of yourself for happiness, security, pleasure, if you start to turn that around and begin taking responsibility for these things, then you will find the state of being run by your emotions is softer when it happens. This is important. This is the practice. Do it all the time. It's like weeding the garden a little bit every day. Don't wait until it's a jungle otherwise you have to get out the weedkiller and that's really painful!

The work, if it can be called that, is not when the patterns happen. It is before they happen. It is when we are 'in love', when things seem fine, when we feel there is absolutely nothing 'wrong'. That is when the roots of a dysfunctional relationship can grow. You feel you are happy with this other person, that this person is exactly right, finally you have found the perfect relationship, the knight/princess of your dreams.

Can you see how the focus is on the other person? It will feel good only so long as that other person keeps doing whatever it is you think is making you happy. Eventually even those things will lose their charm. And then begins the old cycle. "I'm not happy, this person is not the one."

If you do a lot of looking in, a lot of paying attention to how you are in relationship to another (whether or not you are actually in a relationship with them) and if you also pay attention when you act out, about how you are when the emotions are running you, then this paying attention and your sincerity in wanting to take responsibility for your experience of the world will change life. Literally. It will also mean that it will not matter so much when the pattern, when the volcano of emotion happens. You are not the pattern. It's a thing that occurs. Try to be kind to yourself, and just let the pattern be, just let yourself be. This is what is meant by 'being with' yourself. This is what you want from another, right? For them to be totally with you?

Sandra

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How do I break that pattern of attracting the 'wrong' people?

Dear Sandra,

What I am seeing is that deeper, I prefer to be in relationship with someone and also I want that someone to want to be in relationship with me. It seems I attract people that ultimately 'leave' the relationship... so there is no more relating. So, I'm attempting to break that pattern of attracting the 'wrong' people and to attract someone that I can 'dance' with in this game of relating within a relationship.

J.

Dear J.,

Of course you want to be with someone who is prepared to go deep with you, someone who is prepared to take the plunge and be vulnerable and honest... And... you cannot control this. You have no idea who this might be. You won't know when you meet them. So there is no point in looking for that other, the one who will do it the way you want them to do it. You can only be vulnerable and honest yourself. You can only look after your own business. This is the only thing that might bring that particular other to you... and forget I said that! This work is with yourself, and only yourself. You are the prize, you are the outcome, you are the gift at the end and in the now.

Sandra