From the Library: Judgement - a dialogue with A.
November 2001

Dear Sandra,

I've been noticing how my judgements close my heart. I also see how the judgements of others close their hearts to me. All want is a world where people accept me as I am. I'd love your feedback.

A.

Dear A,

Your first sentence feels so open, simple, clear, lovely. I feel soft and gentle reading you. The next sentence stands in sharp contrast - it's almost as if I hear a door slam shut.

What would have happened if you chose not to write this second piece, if you chose to stay with what is going on for you, rather than immediately move to what you think others are doing?

I'm going to repeat your first sentence - without what you wrote afterwards. There is such vulnerability leaving it like this, like the space between breaths, not knowing what is next, not completing the circle back to self, not coming back to the 'to me' place.

I see how my judgements close my heart.

This, just as it is, feels like it touches your hand to mine, to all of our hands... together, no one against, no one about to pounce in and trample on you. As soon as you move to "you are doing this to me" it has the effect of pushing us away.

When we share something vulnerable with someone, something which seems not altogether positive, for example, "I'm feel very judgemental towards you right now", we often try to protect ourselves by adding a little barb to our words. We point out that this not-so-positive thing can also be applied to the person we are talking to.

We do this because we do not accept ourselves. We do not accept that we are judgemental. We do not want other's to see into our hearts because we think they will find something unloveable there. We try to defend against this possibility by turning the focus away from the vulnerable thing we shared about ourselves and onto the person we shared to.

If you want others to accept you just as you are, the first step would be to accept yourself just as you are. If you turn your focus on how others are behaving with you, take it as a reminder to pay attention to how you are behaving towards yourself. The moment you feel you are not being treated 'right', the moment you feel judged, try not to blame someone else. Don't blame yourself either!

Experiment with turning things around - what you want from another, what you feel another is doing to you - turn the desire around to yourself. What you want from another is what you want from yourself. What another is doing to you, you are doing to yourself. By doing this you actually put yourself in the 'drivers seat'. You are no longer dependant on others for taking care of your needs.

As your experience with yourself shifts, your experience with others shifts. The more loving you are with yourself, the more loved you will feel. You will make choices that support your well-being, and your well-being will be! If you accept yourself just as you are, you will feel accepted by others - just as you are.

Sandra

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