December 6, 2004 - Laubach, Germany

The year is drawing quickly to a close. For me it has been intense and almost without 'explanation'; a time of great movement and process. I'm not sure the movement and process lead anywhere, and yet I do sense transformation, an unfolding.

I share below some of my writings of the past days.

"Who am I?"
I have found that If I really sit with this question, and to each reply ask again: "Is this true?" or "How do you know this?" In the end there is only silence;
if I ask these questions every time I say, "I am..." , or if I make any 'is' statement (I am depressed, I am afraid; life is hard; you are judging me; pain is resistance)
in the end there are no answers.
and what is left, is only this,
the breath of air
or sunlight
or no-thingness.
I experience no separation
*I* am forgotten,
Perhaps I was never there in the first place
& all there is
is presence.
Perhaps the forgetting
is actually a remembering.

I have an image of a still point in a whirling circle of energy. As if there is always this still point, in all of us, in us as individuals and us as a unity. And there is whirling energy; the two seem opposite, or as if they cannot co-exist. And yet they do. So, on the one hand there are behaviours and judgements and personalities and thoughts and so on and on the other there is this still point. All is, all is included. I can put my focus on the whirling energy and take a look there, I can put my focus on the still point, and perhaps I can open out my peripheral vision and include both. Sometimes it is a kind of dance...looking here, looking there... always staying in touch with the whole.

There seems to be only one possibility,
to keep watching,
whatever happens, whatever I do or don't do,
whatever I miss or catch in time,
just to watch, to experience what is happening.
The watching seems to expand all contractions,
It's a kind of Yes,
As if my life is a movie, and my response is, "Oh, this is happening, wow, and now this, who would have thought?"
I can't control the movie, only give it my loving attention.

 

I have an image of a doorway
a shining opening, where many are gathered,
some are a few steps before the doorway, some just passing through,
others are on the other side. Some are holding others giving encouragement, others are smiling,
some are chatting, giggling, there's a little whispering. There are a few tears, some of us are shaking.
But we are all very close together, moving and shifting together,
each one part of the whole,
each step affects every other
No one is left behind
And we are happy.